Count It All Joy Page 6

  I was more hurt than angry. “She crossed the line this time.” I couldn’t believe that she had all but ignored me up to this point, then threw this mess in my face, threatening me. And even brought up who would have been my older brother in order to guilt me into doing what she wanted. Now that was low, even for Mother. I had to put a stop to that.

  “Give her more time,” Alex whispered to me, trying to hold me back.

  When Mother returned, I cornered her. “Hasn’t this gone too far?”

  “On the contrary, son. I’m a winner, so I’m taking this all the way to the finish line,” she said as she walked away.

  So that was my life ever since I could remember. Mother would either pout or strong-arm my father into getting whatever she wanted, even to the detriment of everyone else. But it didn’t matter. Mother used to say nothing mattered except for the vision. Vision is what she called it, and she used it to her advantage, at home and in the political arena also.

  I looked over at my beautiful wife slouched over in the waiting-room chair.

  She looked so sad. Maybe she was worried about me. I wanted to put my arms around her and take away her pain, but I couldn’t. To be honest, I couldn’t even handle my own.

  Why couldn’t Mother just accept the vision God had given me? Why did things have to always go her way? Does God favor women over men? I wished that I could depend on my father for backup, but he was too weak. In his very fragile state, I wondered how badly I’d hurt him when I said no to taking over the church. I knew my mother had probably poisoned his mind against me like she always did. She always knew how to pull his strings.

  I was too close to having everything I ever wanted. I was married to Alex, was about to adopt an underprivileged child, was finally an ordained minister, and all I needed was a biological son to make it all perfect. I wasn’t going to let Mother’s selfishness destroy me.

  Mother was always serious, but committed to her family in her own controlling way. I knew she loved me, but sometimes I really wondered if she liked me. She had a no-nonsense kind of strictness, yet she wasn’t old-fashioned at all. The daughter of attorneys, she believed in change, and sometimes change at all costs. My father, although he himself was a judge and was the son of ministers, he was more laid-back. He was the one who attended all of my high school and college basketball games, while Mother ran the community. Although my father was a very powerful man, I knew my mother was the stronger of the two. Even now that he was in his hospital bed, I didn’t worry that mother would be fine without him, but I didn’t know if my father would be fine without her.

  When we got home, I just wanted to be alone, but Alex wouldn’t let it go. She followed me around the room. “What are we going to do, Joshua?”

  Just like a woman, always nagging. I mean, we hadn’t been in the house two minutes and Alex was already whining. I didn’t have all the answers, and I hated that. So I disappeared into the kitchen where I had left my financials sprawled across the table.

  I plopped down in the vinyl chair and buried my head in my hands. Before I could lift my head I heard the sound of Alex’s gentle footsteps.

  “I don’t think we can do it. There’s just too much going on,” I said.

  “Too much going on? Do what?”

  “The Kiano thing.” I threw my hands into the air.

  “Where are we going to come up with the money for the adoption, along with paying for my last quarter in school and all these bills De—” I stopped before I went any further.

  “No, go ahead and finish. It won’t offend me. All these bills Delilah left you. That’s what you were going to say, right? And shouldn’t she have had life insurance to cover some of her debt anyway?”

  “Believe it or not, I did use some of it for that, but most of it went toward her funeral and moving expenses. Plus it took me a minute to find a job here in New York City after Lilah and I moved.”

  “I understand all of that.”

  “I just don’t know if we can swing this international thing anymore. It’s very expensive.” I cringed at the thought that my own mother had added to this pressure.

  “It was always expensive,” Alex said.

  “And you know my mother won’t help us with the adoption expenses anymore, not that she should have to ...”

  “I know she doesn’t have to, but she promised.” Alex blinked her eyes to hold back tears.

  “We promised too.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? You should’ve been sorry when Delilah was using up all your money buying her authentic Gucci wardrobe.” Alex’s piercing stare made me uncomfortable. “Look, I apologize. I don’t want to be mean. It’s just that Kiano means a lot to me, and I made him a promise. We made him a promise. We can’t go back on that now.”

  I stood up and pulled her close to me. “Alex, you’re right, and I am sorry. I never wanted to bring you into this mess. I should’ve paid all my debts off before we even got engaged. It’s just that when I met you, my whole world changed, and I didn’t want to wait for my finances to change too.”

  “I know.”

  “No, you don’t know. After Delilah, I wasn’t sure I could love again ...” I was holding back so Alex wouldn’t see how weak I really was.

  “It’ll be okay. Maybe I can do some overtime, take on more hours for a while or something.” Alex smiled and patted me on the shoulder. “Who knows?”

  “No way. Not my wife.”

  “But Joshua ...”

  “This discussion is over.” I left the room while I could still stand myself.

  It hurt my heart to hear my wife talk like this when all I wanted was to be a good provider, a good husband, and father. And I really wanted Alex to stay home and be a good mother. It was just this whole money thing turned upside down. It was bad enough she had to even work part-time, but the thought of her having to work extra hours really made me upset. I was supposed to take care of everything so she could concentrate on carrying my baby. I needed God to help me get a grip on things. I needed a grip fast.

  Chapter Eight

  Alex

  The next morning the sunlight streaming through the blinds woke me up. I jumped out of bed before Joshua, took my shower, and then slipped back into bed with him. Normally, Joshua would have been up praying at 5:00 A.M., followed by his Bible reading and meditation. When I touched his shoulder, he just groaned and turned the other way.

  I could tell Joshua was especially depressed because of what happened with his parents last night. It was all so emotionally draining, his father’s illness and his mother’s aggression. I suggested that he take a day off from work, but he dismissed that idea quickly enough. Joshua never liked to take days off from work unless it was absolutely necessary. I guess he could be classified as a workaholic since that was pretty much all he ever did. In fact, the only real recreation Joshua participated in on any kind of regular basis was watching basketball games.

  Yes, he loved to follow LeBron James’s career during basketball season. And he even enjoyed shooting a few hoops every now and then, but this was rare.

  Finally, Joshua climbed out of bed as if on his last bit of strength. He showered, dressed himself in one of his many pin-striped suits, and was ready to go off to work. He didn’t even want his usual bagel and tea for breakfast.

  “Everything will be all right,” I said, walking him to the door. But I could tell he had so much on his mind.

  Lilah was still asleep since we were both officially on Christmas vacation.

  “I’ll call you later.” He gave me a dry kiss and walked across the hall, disappearing into the elevator.

  I went to check on Lilah, saw that she was sleeping soundly, and then sat down at Joshua’s desk. I wanted to open and read some of the Christmas cards we had received from the church. I opened one and it was a beautiful nativity scene from Sister Marguerite. Then I started to open another when a stapled group of bills caught my eye. There were old credit card statements dating back
from three years ago. They were different cards with different large balances; five thousand, seven thousand, ten thousand.

  “Wow,” I said to myself. There were purchases from Macys, Lord & Taylor, Neiman Marcus, Victoria’s Secret, Gucci, and Tiffany’s. I knew these had to be Delilah’s purchases.

  It must be nice to have such expensive taste, I thought to myself. No wonder my husband was stressed out about money and could barely afford the life we wanted together. His first wife had buried him in debt. There was hardly anything left for me.

  I looked at the thin tennis bracelet on my arm that he had given me for Christmas, and suddenly I was upset, envious, I guess. Did I have to walk in a dead woman’s shadow? Couldn’t I have some nice things for myself too? Why did I have to be the wife to make all the sacrifices?

  Be not envious of sinners. The Holy Spirit calmed me down quickly, and I walked away from the desk, grateful for what I did have, and mostly grateful for my husband.

  He had been through so much already with Delilah that I was determined to make him forget about her. I was determined to be a better wife to him than she had been.

  Later on in the day, Lilah and I headed out on an adventure of our own.

  “How would you like to go ice skating?” I asked her.

  “Yay!” Lilah started jumping up and down.

  “All right, then, let’s go,” I said.

  First, I whipped up a batch of strawberry pancakes and bacon for Lilah and me, which I knew I would regret whenever I visited the gym again. Then I picked out a cute little jeans outfit for Lilah and one for myself. Mine was a little rough getting over the hips, but I’d have to work that out with myself later. In any case, we were matching in pink denim and ready for action. I took her hand, and we walked through our eclectic Brooklyn neighborhood to the nearest train station one block away.

  I could see the excitement in Lilah’s eyes as we boarded the train. This was our first real outing alone since I’d been married to her father, so I needed it to be special. Lilah talked the entire time about how she had seen ice skaters on Sesame Street and how she knew she would have so much fun on the ice. I hoped so because I wanted more than anything to really connect with her. Since Lilah had been so used to getting pretty much everything she wanted from her grandmother, this was not necessarily an easy task.

  Finally, we arrived at the ice rink at Rockefeller Center in Midtown Manhattan. It was just as beautiful in person as it had been on television. There was a huge Christmas tree decorated with glamorous lights and the famous Prometheus statue in all its bronze glory. Lilah’s eyes were big with anticipation, which made me smile on the inside and out. We rented skates and were told before starting that we should walk on the rubber matting, keeping our skate guards on. It sounded like good advice.

  Since I had never been ice skating before, this was a challenge for both of us. I had wanted to go ice skating with Joshua once, but he showed no interest in it at all, so here I was with the four-year-old making it happen despite myself. I used my knowledge of roller skating to help me navigate this new world. First, we walked around the edge while holding the wall, trying to get a feel for the ice. Please, Lord, don’t let me fall. Eventually, I began to bend my knees and lean forward as I watched the techniques of the skaters who glided around the rink. Before long, Lilah and I were moving, falling, and then moving again. Getting up wasn’t easy because the ice was so slippery, but one young man stopped to help and give us advice.

  “Get on your hands and knees and put one foot between your hands,” he said.

  “Okay,” I replied, happy that I hadn’t split my pants.

  “When you want to stop, place one skate behind you with the toe facing away from you. Then drag it behind you until you stop.” He smiled. “Oh, and another thing, take longer strokes.”

  “Thanks.” I looked up at him. “You sure are a lifesaver.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that. Take care now,” he said as he disappeared into the lively crowd of skaters.

  “You too,” I replied.

  I was so grateful for this information. Thankfully, there were still nice people left in the world, I thought as I watched everyone else circling around us without even a glance. Lilah and I laughed and took off again.

  This time we tried to take longer strokes, whatever that meant.

  I wouldn’t exactly call it skating, and I wouldn’t necessarily call it fun, except that we were together, an unlikely stepmother and stepdaughter forged together by unfortunate circumstances. Lilah did seem to enjoy herself though, and begged to come back again when we were leaving. I promised her that we would.

  Afterward, I took her to eat at Angelos between Fifty-third and Fifty-fourth Streets. I remembered that they were nearby and had some of the best pizza that I’d ever tasted. Needless to say, Lilah and I left tired but happy. I hoped I was successfully building a real relationship with the little girl who refused to call me “Mommy.”

  Chapter Nine

  Alex

  It was an average winter day for New York City. Now that Christmas vacation was over and we had welcomed the new year, I was glad to finally return to work. It gave me something to focus on besides my fertility issues. There was the usual office banter between coworkers and administration on how the holidays were and who received what for Christmas. The holidays had become so commercialized that I could hardly stand it sometimes. There were new students starting new classes, and lots of exciting new plans to look forward to, plans that could preoccupy me for a few hours per day. Missionary had been given a generous donation in order to expand its library. I was excited that a whole new wing was being built in honor of the benefactor, Dr. Joseph Calholm. Then there was talk of a commercial and a new Bible radio show headed up by Dr. Harding himself. That would really put a new spin on Missionary.

  Marisol didn’t seem to be interested in either. She was too busy watching for tall, eligible bachelors on the registrar’s list. And I do mean that she was seeking them out literally.

  There should’ve been a law against what she was doing, and, in fact, there probably was. I stayed clear of her and her plans.

  Marisol came over to my desk with the registrar’s list in her hand. “Here is one registered for a full-time credit load, studying for his master of divinity, and he paid his tuition in full.”

  “Go on with that foolishness, Marisol. You shouldn’t be digging through people’s personal business.”

  “Oh, please, it’s my job,” Marisol said.

  “No, it’s your job to check for certain items on the list. Not to scrutinize people’s lives.”

  “Okay, whatever.” Marisol put up her hand. “Either way, I’m going to be seeing the same information.”

  “But not to use for your own benefit.”

  “All I’m doing is keeping my eyes open, that’s all. You never know who I might run into.”

  “Marisol, you’re a mess.” I shook my head. “Now get off of my desk with your work before we both get in trouble.”

  Marisol hunched her shoulders, gathered her papers, and left with a smile. “I’ll catch up with you later, chica.”

  “Not if I see you first,” I laughed.

  Marisol nodded and pointed at me as she was leaving. “Oh, so it’s like that. Okay, I got you, girl.”

  With all the work we both had for the new year, we never did catch up with each other.

  By the end of my shift, I was tired.

  After work, I drove down the highway with the wind in my hair, noticing the snowcapped trees and the icy walkways. I hated driving in that kind of weather, especially when I was in a hurry. An old coworker of mine lost her life because she skidded into the side rails on the highway one winter evening. I was determined not to fall into that trap, so I prayed for God’s divine protection over my life, and I kept my speed to the bare minimum.

  I was almost late for the meeting with Mr. Bowman, the business attorney who filed my not-for-profit status for Giving Life Ministries. Su
rprisingly, parking turned out not to be a problem, and I caught the elevator going up just in time. Mr. Bowman and I completed our business in a timely manner, and I was on my way with all the paperwork I needed.

  Up to now, the group and I had been meeting at the church, but in a few months when the renovations to Taylor and Keith’s fitness center were completed, our group would be holding our meetings there. At least that was the plan until Joshua and I started our own church.

  The whole project was scheduled to culminate at the Push It Fitness Center’s official grand opening. Since Taylor and Keith had purchased the center from its former owner, they had kept everything the same, both the décor and the policies. The much-needed changes would give them the opportunity to show off the new management and the new ideas they would soon implement.

  I was just grateful that Giving Life Ministry could come along for the ride and could be separated from Missionary. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Missionary, but I needed this separation for two reasons. The first was so I’d be able to qualify for the donations and grants necessary for my programs by having a 501(c)(3) of my own. The second reason was that my vision was big, and I knew we’d already outgrown Missionary’s place for us. Pastor Martin was generous enough to put me over the program, but I knew he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

  I was still amazed that I was delivered and was now able to help other girls who were struggling with the abortion and/or fornication issue. I wanted to catch them before they made these mistakes and teach them about their true worth. I wanted to emphasize the importance of purity before marriage, and the special gift of giving oneself to one’s own husband. I wanted to teach them about starting over and abstaining from sex, even if they’d already been involved in a sexual relationship. Oh, how I wished I had known that sooner.

  It would have kept me free from so many meaningless relationships. I wanted them to know that Jesus could cleanse them from all unrighteousness and that they could be clean again, no matter what they’d done. I wanted to talk about how to fall in love with Jesus, and so many other valuable things I’d learned over the years. There were so many young girls who just fell through the cracks and ended up broken. With God’s help and mercy, I wanted to rescue them all.